When I was 16, I had sex with my boy friend, my bishop at the time told me that no worthy return missionary would ever have me. DEVASTATING my world! The SHAME was overwhelming! My hopes/dreams in all that I’d been taught/molded to live for!!!
Within 2 years I had ‘found’ an older (18 YEARS OLDER THAN ME!!!) divorced LDS man who would marry me! Prob solved right? Wrong! Having sex was ‘wrong’ right?! So my marriage bed was doomed from the start… because I knew my body wasn’t responding naturally, I looked for outside validation (I was already destined for hell right? Which landed me in a church ‘court of love’ (wrong) where old men asked to hear EVERY DIRTY DETAIL!!!
My husband ended his life by suicide (I found out after his death that he’d suffered for many years from depression- hidden because a righteous priesthood holder couldn’t have problems! Right?) leaving me with two young daughters. Sooo many layers to this onion!
I Remarried… an actual returned missionary! Welcomed many more children and worked for YEARS to redeem myself ! MAYBE THEN GOD COULD LOVE ME ! I served diligently in all my callings (drank and taught others to drink the kool -aid)
On a parallel path I spent decades learning, growing, healing… pulling myself up out of this mental hole/prison… THE MORE I GREW… the less sense the church made!!!
WHAT A JOURNEY!
Finally KNOWING that I must go directly to God !!! NO MORE MIDDLEMAN/ CHURCH
… It’s been 15 happy years!