I was 15, in the early 2000’s in Riverton, Utah. I had been the Mia Maids president and extremely active in the LDS Church since my childhood. My rapist was more than double my age. I met him on “hotornot.com” I lied and said I was 18 to be on the website, but I told him the truth before he came to pick me up for a “date”. We had been chatting through messenger for a few days. He knew I was only 15, that I couldn’t even drive and could only see each other if my parents were gone for the night.
He drove a really shitty car. He picked me up from my house, he drove us to the back of a parking lot of a hot tub store on State Street. He began kissing me in the car. It was fun. My first kiss. The kissing became more hungry. I had no idea this was what kissing was like. He moved us into the back seat of his car. I was too afraid to say anything against this. I almost felt like I was watching what was happening. I felt like I wasn’t in control of my body. I wasn’t in control of the situation. He put his hands down my pants, and I pulled away. He pulled me back and put them back down my pants, and unbuttoned my jeans. I pulled away again. He was more forceful. I was on my period at the time. He didn’t even notice. He didn’t listen when I said no, I can’t. He pushed his body onto mine, and tried inserting his penis inside of me. I begged no. I said I couldn’t. It hurt so bad. I pulled back more. I cried. It hurt. He said “just the tip” and I reluctantly let it happen because by this time it was almost easier. It hurt. I don’t remember how long it lasted. The details are extremely hazy. I didn’t even know what a condom was or how it was supposed to be used (or if he used one). I remember putting my panties back in place. He had just pushed them aside. I don’t remember the car ride home. I remember asking myself if I was no longer a virgin, without a clear answer of even knowing what that meant. I thought we’d date.
We didn’t date. I lost my virginity by rape. He was disgusting. I barely knew him.
After this sexual assault, I received more abuse by a Mormon bishop. I was told that it was my fault for being on an internet dating website and putting myself into the position. He told me I needed to repent. He called me a sinner, and gave me a book to read called The Miracle of Forgiveness. I believed him. I was evil, and it was all my fault. What I had done was right up there with murder. The lowest of the low. I was unclean, unworthy, and unloved. I was removed from my leadership roles in the church, and forbidden from performing in sacrament meeting (which was one of my favorite things to do). I was publicly shamed at girls camp when the bishop hugged everyone except for me. I was kept from graduating seminary in later years. Rumors were started by women in my ward that I was pregnant and their girls were no longer allowed to associate with me. It nearly ruined my life. After the meeting with the bishop, I continued down the path of promiscuity. I was already going to hell due to my sins, so my teenage brain thought it a good idea to continue doing what I was doing, seeking attention from strangers. I had sex with over 30 men from age 15-18. The majority of these men were over 30 years old, and completely took advantage of the fact I had 0 self-esteem.
After about 10 years of this self-sabotaging behavior, I finally decided to put work into healing. I accepted what had happened to me was rape. I found a therapist that I used to see every week the trauma was so deep. I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD, Disassociation Disorder, and Anxiety. I’ve found much healthier ways of coping with life. I have worked through the anger and rage towards my LDS Bishop. I firmly believe that if I would have received the proper support and help (and love) from the bishop instead of the complete opposite, I could have avoided the 10 years of destructive behavior. I believe it was abuse of the bishop to not only conceal my story, but to put the blame on me. He never reached out to my parents, he only saw and treated me as a sinner.
Thanks for your time, if I can help in this process to shed light on this sort of abuse that happened to me, please let me know.