I was in Junior High, and struggling. I already didn’t believe in the church. Which put me at odds with my Dad. My sibling had an illegitimate baby, which brought major shame to the family, back then. Another sibling got into drugs, which eventually took his life, a little later down the road. This sibling was very aggressive and violent, especially towards me, as I was the individual who was amazing at sports, and grades. With this sibling’s drug use, other members of the ward told their children that they couldn’t be my friend, because apparently I was a drug addict too, because my sibling was. Which I wasn’t a druggie, and this treatment of me and lies of gossip, was damaging.
I had a handful of families that hired me as their children’s babysitter, despite the rumors. And probably because I was the only one saying yes to watching difficult children.
I was in Junior High, I mentioned. I went to babysit 4 young children, that were the Counselor’s kids, in the Bishopric. I got the children to bed and asleep. The Counselor’s younger brother came over. He was something like age 26-28. He started rubbing my shoulder’s, and began tickling me. I ran to get away from being tickled, and started heading down the stairs, where the kids were sleeping, because I knew he would stop and not have my laughter wake the kids. He grabbed and pinned me on the stairs. Then began kissing me, while undoing his jeans. My heart felt like it was going to beat itself, right out of my chest. Was I going to be rapped? Why was this happening? He tried forcing himself in my mouth. I kept my jaw closed as tight as possible, while the inside of my lips were getting torn on my teeth from the force of him trying to put himself in my mouth. That is as far as things went that night. I don’t know exactly the time frame, as time seems to stand still when something like this happens. But, it was probably less than 10 minutes. He got mad at me for turning him on, and then giving him blue balls. This was my first time hearing that expression, or seeing a grown man’s erect genitalia.
When I got home, I vomited in the bathroom. And the depression started immediately.. After some time of having all of these emotions and feeling dirty, I turned to Bishop E. This is what this Bishop had to say to me. “Are you going to go out and get pregnant with an illegitimate baby? Are you going to become a drug addict? Your parents raised you better than this. I know they would have taught you to never be alone in a room with a man. Are you going to be another disappointment to them?” So, I was getting blamed for the sexual assault that happened to me. Which hurt as much as the attack and canker sores I had for days. Part of me felt lucky that it was just my mouth, and didn’t go all the way. But, I was already struggling with the dysfunction of the house life, with having an aggressive drug-addict sibling. Now I was also being put in that category.
So, skip ahead and now I am in 9th grade. My friend and I were dropped off at the indoor swimming facility. We had our fun, and then she tried calling her home, to get a ride home for us, on the pay phone. When this Counselor’s brother comes up and says hi. That he will give us a ride home. I tried saying no, let’s just get her family to come get us. But, it gets decided that we go with him. She didn’t know what had happened with him, and I wasn’t about to say. He dropped her off. Then he drove towards my house, and missed my turn, then missed the only other turn to get me to my house. Then he drove us up to the mountain. My heart was pounding again. But, this time he had a better game plan. He talked to me for over an hour, and he seemed to want to know my situation and who I was. Then he talked me into doing a few sexual things to him that is considered heavy petting by church standards. After he had gently kissed me and held me, talked to me and told me he cared about me. Eventually, this man made me feel like he really cared. That he had to be careful seeing me. In my 13/14 year old brain, I thought he would rescue me from the incidents that were always going on in my home. Plus, the Bishop had catagorized me as a moral sinner, making me come talk to him once a month. Had this Bishop done the right thing about a 26ish to maybe 28 year old man, forcing oral sex onto a 8th grader, 13 year old. Then a handful of suicide attempts could have been prevented. From 8th grade through High School, I wouldn’t have developed a sick sense of what love is, when it was actually a man doing porn suffocating oral sex on a minor. And, I wonder if I wouldn’t have 2 failed marriages behind me, due to marrying men that were violent and abusive? I told that Bishop every detail. This was his Counselor’s brother. And in the Bishop’s words, my fault for being alone in a room with a man. The irony of this is that Bishop interviews were done in a room, alone with him.
I was treated very poorly by this Bishop. And the Bishop that replaced him, was apparently told some sort of something. Because he treated me horrible. When my brother went on a Mission. This Bishop G. said my religious song could not be sung, when my brother did his Mission homecoming talk. Then this Bishop called in the evening, and I answered. He asked to speak to my Dad and told him that they would do my song, but I wouldn’t get recognition. The pianist was on the handout, the singers, but not that I wrote the song being sung. Seriously, why? All 3 of those men, are guilty of abuse, from sexual to psychological.