I was a hyper-sexual child who didn’t know the word masturbating until five or six years after I’d started having regular orgasms. I started cutting myself as I learned about the church’s stances on everything outside of standard married intercourse and that my value had been diminished as a result. I felt so out of control I was convinced I had permanently driven the Holy Ghost out of my life.
I went to my bishop after feeling guilty over giving a guy in my stake a blow job. I was looking for a therapist, divine intervention, my Savior to relieve me of my childhood trauma and help me be a better teen. I was 13, way too young to be doing what I was doing. Instead of being alarmed and suggesting anything helpful I was asked if the young man orgasmed in my mouth and told me not to take the sacrament for two weeks.
I lost my virginity soon after, and with a new bishop I tried my hand at roulette again. This time I was told to read The Miracle of Forgiveness and when I read the phrase that stated it was better to lose my life than my virtue, I lost all hope in myself. I started actively planning my suicide.
New bishop, new roulette, and my first hospitalization due to a suicide attempt followed. I was diagnosed with bipolar and have spent years trying to reconcile my behavior with my beliefs and years trying to forgive myself. This is still a struggle for me at age 40, and I hope my story helps to prevent this from happening to others.