I’ll start from my earliest memories. I do not share this to brag. I do not share this to cause pain or hurt (although I’m sure it will do both). I share this to show the other side. To show that the LDS church does cover up these types of things. I feel my bishops “covered” them up for my benefit. At the expense of those I hurt. I was young, I didn’t really know what I was doing. There is still no excuse though. I needed help. I needed counseling. I got none.
At about the age of 6, I somehow knew how to perform the act of sex. I and my 5 year old sister would have “sex”. I don’t remember how I learned this. I would stick my penis inside her and leave it there. Sometimes we would just lay like that. Other times we would slow dance like that. That lasted a couple months and then we stopped.
I was always curious about the female human body. I would touch my sisters friend inappropriately while they slept during sleep overs. I did that till about the age of 10.
At 10 years old, I discovered masturbation while in the bathtub. I masturbated nonstop from 10-12. I fantasized about having sex with girls. I was so shy and awkward that I was ashamed to act on my sexual urges. I always kept them secret.
At the age of 12 I molested my first child. I molested her for approximately a year. From the age of 12 to 14 I molested approximately 6 children. They ranged from 8 years to 6 months.
The guilt and sorrow were almost unbearable. One night, I shame I confessed all this to my mother. The last thing I told her. The thing I was most ashamed about was masturbating. I cried the hardest as I told her that.
Shortly thereafter, I was introduced to my bishop. I had to confess everything all over again to him. I was disfellowshipped and had to meet with him weekly and tell him how I was doing. No authorities were ever told, no counseling was ever given (except from my bishop).
About 6 months later I tried to take my life by swallowing a bunch of pills. I didn’t really want to die, I just wanted help. I wanted to understand why I did those things, why I had this “evil” desire.
Shortly after that, I was sent to live with my grandparents. They lived on a cattle ranch. I had to meet with my new bishop and tell him everything all over again. We started meeting weekly and I fast learned that my masturbation “problem” was “going away”. I couldn’t talk about this stuff anymore. It was embarrassing and shaming. So I started to lie that I wasn’t masturbating anymore.
It was here I discovered porn. It was the most amazing thing I had ever seen. I would masturbate till my little buddy hurt. I did this as punishment. I hate myself because I could not stop doing this thing that was next to killing someone. Shortly after this, I started having sex with cows and horses. Disgusting I know, (trust me I know). I was so scared that a half cow half human was going to be born. Then all my son’s would be displayed for all to see. Thankfully chromisomes don’t match up and it’s not even possible.
At the age of 15 I had my first sexual experience with a girl my own age. She initiated everything and practically forced herself on me. Don’t get me wrong I wanted to but I was greatly embarrassed about doing it. I was ashamed that I didn’t know what to do. I lasted about 30 seconds and ran out of the room. I didn’t talk to her for about 6 months.
From 16 to 19, I entered “normal” teenage life. I got a girlfriend, we started having healthy sexual intercourse. I started drinking and doing drugs. I was still a selfish, stupid teenager. I raped a classmate at the after prom party. We were both drunk, she said no, I didn’t listen.
At about 18 I went down a path of more shame, I knew the way I should be living my life. I just couldn’t. I started drinking more and having promiscuose sex.
Then one day at the age of 19, I molested another child. She was about 6 years old. I knew this was the end for me. I knew there was no coming back from that. I scheduled an appointment with my bishop and confessed what I did. This was a different experience than my others. He was angry. He told me to get out of his office. He told me to report myself to the authorities or he would.
I spent that weekend looking through the phone book and calling any number I could think of. They all said u was a sick f**k and hung up on me. I was starting to think killing myself would be better. The last number I called, I was crying and pleaded for help. She was so kind and understanding. She said they didn’t handle those type of things but she got me an address I could go to.
The next day I went to the location, met with a counselor and told him what I did and who I did it to. He said there would be an investigation and said I could go. I left feeling better but unsure of what to do now. I told my bishop I told the authorities and he was short with me and said I would be excommunicated.
I met with a lawyer and an investigation started. It took about a month. In the end my lawyer said there was no evidence of what I did. He said I was free to go. It was then I made the hardest decision of my life. I told him I knew what I did and that I wanted to plead guilty. He was shocked, he tried to talk me out of it. I was determined to do what I could to make it right.
The judge had mercy on me and I served 2 1/2 years in prison. I was on the sex registry for 10 years. While I was in prison I received counseling and discovered a lot about myself. I said it then and still say it to this day, “those where the best 2 years of my life”.
When I got out of prison I went about doing what need to be done to be rebaptized into the LDS church. While I did that I found an amazing woman. We started to get serious, I told her I was excommunicated and then everything that is written above. We cried, she said she would need some time to decide what to do. In the end we were married and now have 4 wonderful, beautiful children.
It took 2 1/2 years till I was rebaptized, then another year after that till we were sealed in the temple with 2 of our kids. What a wonderful day.
I have never touched a child inappropriately since I was 19 (I know you were wondering). Throughout my life I feel it my duty to tell those I become close with about my past. I have told 3 of my 4 children when I thought they were old enough to understand. My last child will be told in a year or so. There hasn’t been a day that I haven’t thought about my past life. Wondering why was I like that? What could I have done differently? What can I do to make right the evils I did? Depression has been a close friend of mine even to this day.
I feel that by telling my story, I am able to show the dark secret of so many people. We/they are out there, ashamed and in hiding. Molestations, rape, incest, shaming, grooming, these things are done and being done right now. It’s time to face to them. It’s time to stand up and right the wrongs, no matter the cost. I stand with Sam Young.