I served as a full time missionary for the church. After my mission I soon afterward married an incredibly faithful and loving fellow stake member. I had known her before my mission. She had waited for me. We married in the temple.
My life has been deeply influenced by my private closed door so-called worthiness Church interviews. I struggled having sex after we married. I felt filled with guilt knowing I had sexual fantasies, sometimes for other women. I had masturbated before. As part of my upbringing and especially my temple marriage preparation, I had been told to never remove my garments, to never engage in oral sex, that any form of masturbation even in marriage was “spilling God’s seed.” I had been instructed in those private closed door meetings how my unrighteous thought would bring me eternal condemnation. I felt whatever I did sexually I was guilty of breaking a commandment.
All those church teachings, teen interviews, and inappropriate private counseling sessions by priesthood brethren warped and eventually broke my spiritual and sexual compass.
I was sexually assassinated in those private priesthood interviews, always made to feel unworthy. I often was asked totally inappropriate and sexually assaulting questions. Those private interviews caused me to feel incomplete, incompetent, insignificant, and unworthy. Those interviews made me feel God was angry at me, God withholding his love and blessings from me too. All I could realize as I left those private priesthood worthiness meetings was I was a sinner.
With my wife I couldn’t enjoy sex. I couldn’t perform. Sometimes I couldn’t even get an erection during sex. I actually cried inside, rarely able to even orgasm. We would go months without sex. She was patient but frustrated with me. It made her self worth collapse because obviously I wasn’t sexually excited to be with her in her viewpoint.
One day after work I came home to an empty house. My wife had taken what she wanted. She had moved out. She later divorced me.
For many years now I have lived single. I have never dated after my divorce. I live filled with embarrassment and shame. I have met with therapists to heal my wounds. I struggle with suicidal thoughts. I really do feel that someday I will kill myself. I really don’t have anything to live for anymore.