I don’t know if this one counts. Maybe it’s not a big deal, but it changed my life. I was 17 years old, oh gosh where do I start… I guess we should start with my young women’s president, and the lessons she taught me when I was 16.
I was taught that I would be better off dead, then lose my virtue. Well my parents thought we were in a very safe neighborhood and didn’t lock our front door, one night I woke up to a boy they going to church with us not a member but a friend of a member in my bedroom with me. I dated him, but was not presently dating him, and during that dating there is been nothing sexual that happened… Not sure why I want to clarify that I guess it goes back to the shame.
Anyway, he attacked me in my bedroom, I remember making the decision not to scream because I was afraid if I screamed at my father might think I’d let him into the house, and I wasn’t allowed to have boys in my room or in the house. It was 3 o’clock in the morning for heaven sake, so I don’t know why I thought he would think that but it scared me enough to not say anything. The boy was drunk he smelled of liquor . He climbed on top of me. I could not move. I could not protect myself any way. He attacked me in my bedroom.
I was covered in bruises and hickeys when he finally left and I was terrified. I told maybe two of my friends, I did not tell my leaders.
Fast forward I’m 17, and I’m a sinner, after all I didn’t stop that boy , And you’re have pretty absolute thinking when you’re 16 and 17. So I figured I’d ruined my life and what difference did it make. I had a boyfriend. He was not a Mormon, (Just a side-note, LDS boys were the most aggressive boys I ever dated. I think because they never got any.) Anyway this boy I knew from high school and we dated for quite a long time became sexually involved. You promised to marry me :-).
It went to long I really wanted to get married, I wanted out of my home, out from under the iron rule of my parents and my church. My self-esteem was fairly low and so marriage seemed the best way out.
Anyway, like high school boys often do he changed his mind and broke up with me. Now I was really spoiled…I hated myself. I was called in for a bishops interview, I don’t know if it was a regular interview or special interview because my parents were worried. Because of the break up situation and my choices. I wasn’t eating or going outside of my room, and of course I could not tell them what was wrong.
I was taken to the church and met with my bishop, he asked me several questions including morality questions and I was honest in my reply. I remember him telling me that I had ruined myself, that I could never get back to the place I was before, and that I would forever be different. I took it to mean that I was ruined like the flower in young women’s.
He asked me specific questions about numbers of times, where I was and when. I can’t remember all the details but I do remember leaving thinking that if I could only marry that boy I could fix everything . When I put my mind to something I get it…And boy was relieved when I got him to marry me…all cleaned up.
The things I did to make that happen I am sad about, but I am so very grateful for my children that came from that marriage. However my husband did leave me 10 years into the marriage with four young children, he was gay, and left because he couldn’t live that life anymore.
Now my children paid a very high price, I paid a high price, and so did my husband. I don’t believe I was ruined, I don’t believe the Savior teaches that I was ruined. I made a mistake. With repentance and the atonement I could have moved on from the mistake. I didn’t have to marry him to fix it…I was a child and that was a childish thought… the bishop I think was trying to scare me straight, but he had no training or right to dictate my “status”. He was not very appropriate in the questions asked and after that interview the future ones were very awkward.
I refused to go soon after and left the church for many years after my marriage. Interesting to note that when I did return the new Bishop basically told me not to worry about anything that it happened between the time of my last interview and that one that I was forgiven and I could start over, a very different standard. I don’t know if this is what you’re looking for. Mostly I detest that I was told if I didn’t fight for my virtue I was ruined. Anytime you tell somebody they are ruined in there a child it’s very damaging, children are never ruined.