Prior to my first interview with the Bishop, I had no idea about sexual things. “Doing it” was something adults did. I was 11. But I wore sun dresses outside of church, and was developing early (B cup by 5th grade) and this was somehow all related to my unworthiness before god. I had to abstain from taking sacrament, which meant I had to explain why to my grandparents.
The interviews stopped when I quit going to church in high school. I was a 21 year old virgin when I was raped by my boyfriend and the guilt and deep seated belief that I brought it on myself made me internalize it. I never reported it, to anyone.
The first time I tried to kill myself, I was 12. I don’t remember it in detail, but I felt true despair and my mom said I told her they would be better off without me because I was broken. I swallowed an entire bottle of aspirin because I was convinced my heavenly father would never love me again.
I’m currently 39. I’m in therapy. I’m on anti depressants finally. I’m on anti anxiety medication. For the first time, I’m not disappointed to wake up in the morning and the feeling of being an eternal disappointment is fading.
Because I had boobs at 11 and my mom made me smocked sundresses because we were poor and the fabric was cheap, I was unworthy. I was wrong. I was broken and sinful and dirty.