When I was 14 I felt the need to repent for being raped by my 18 year old friend. During the interview, I was asked which positions were performed, what sex acts happened, how many times, the specific dates, what I was wearing, if I had feelings for him, why I put myself in that situation, if I orgasmed or not, how many times he orgasmed, and if I was aroused before this happened to me.
He said that if I followed his plan I could be forgiven. I was disfellowshiped for about a year, but felt happy once I was able to be a part of everything again. A few months after I fully repented, the same boy raped me again the night before leaving for the military. I went to my Bishop that same week and was told that I could only be forgiven one more time and that if I ever did this again “my sin would be on my own head” and I would go to hell. He asked me if I was sorry for sinning even though I was not able to consent. I went through the repentance process again, and was told that my body was a tool to get men to sin, and that I was responsible for my own rape. He compared me to a used piece of gum and that God forgave me but those who I dated might not. I felt worthless and that I couldn’t find happiness. I knew that a good LDS man would never want me since I was a tainted, used up piece of gum.
I ended up getting together with my rapist because at least he wanted me, and he was the one who took my virginity and ruined me for other men. In God’s eyes, I committed the closest thing to murder many times, and would have to carry the consequences of other’s perceptions of me for the rest of my life. I’m married to my rapist, and truly feel that no other LDS man would even consider me as a partner due to how used up I am. I’m 23 and have been struggling with this for almost ten years.