I was asked if I masturbated before I knew what is was and before the thought had occurred to me. I was 13. It sounded bad, so I stammered out a “no.” I had to ask my friend who had just had the same question in her interview.
As I grew more mature and , very occasionally gave in and did it, I felt so much guilt. I felt that God would not accept my prayers and so, I also stopped praying. I would feel worthless and unworthy of God’s love and help. This would lead to more unworthy thoughts and deeds. Finally, in despair, I would repent and vow to never think a bad thought or touch myself again. Of course this was impossible, so inevitably it would begin again and the cycle would continue along with the self-loathing. This question asked by three different bishops over the next decade. I thought it was normal.
I never had a bishop who probed into a ton of detail, even when I had to confess to some light “petting.”
I married a returned missionary when I was 20. We both were way too young and inexperienced. We were also very horny, so, marry we did. And had a lot of babies very quickly. We had both heard rumors when we were teens about the bishop sitting you down when you got married and informing you that oral sex was not allowed. We married in 1985, which I learned later was after the initial counsel was rescinded, so this talk never happened to us, but just the rumor and guilt led to many years of dysfunction in my marriage. My husband wanted it, but I was afraid I was sinning. Finally, I searched for guidance (luckily, I was too embarrassed to ask a bishop) and finding no mention of it anywhere. I gave up and allowed myself to enjoy my marital relations.
Before my marriage, I went to an OB/GYN for my premarital check. He was incredibly inappropriate with me and later lost his license to practice due to a sexual scandal of some sort. I didn’t know any better at the time. I didn’t know he was way over the line in his questioning, manner, and actions. I had no idea of normal boundaries.
I am now in my 50s with an impotent husband and I find myself celibate and I never learned to let go and enjoy masturbating, even though I left the church and all its toxic beliefs many years ago. So that avenue is not open to me. I try, but it just fizzles. I feel broken.
I am only glad I got my kids out after my first kid had only had one interview at 12. I am so glad I got them all out of the church so they would not be shamed as I was.