It has taken a lot of thought and courage for me to even begin to share my experience. I have only ever shared the consequences I have suffered as a result of the church, but not the worthiness interviews themselves.
Though I believe many people who are LDS are good people, my dad wasn’t one of them. He used the church as a reason to emotionally abuse me. It caused me to rebel, and soon enough I had learned a lot of what was considered liberal at a young age on the internet. When I was 15, I was questioning my sexuality and gender. I was fairly certain I was bisexual. Though I am still certain, I am no longer questioning my gender to be anything but cis.
Someone in the church caught wind that I was sexually attracted to women and/or was transgender. Next thing I knew, I had a meeting with my bishop. I went into the interview with him, unsuspecting of what he was to ask me. He asks some of the typical questions to start a conversation, proceeded to tell me he heard rumors about my sexuality/gender, then the sexually explicit questions began.
Did I experiment with other girls and whom? Have I ever had sex, either gender? Do I masturbate? Do I watch pornography, specifically lesbian? How did I want to transition (specifically genitalia based)? Who have I told and what do they think about it?
I left the meeting feeling ashamed of myself. I still have felt guilt over my sexuality. One year after the rumors started spreading, I believe my mother started to question her beliefs in the church. Her turmoil and mental illness caused her to resort to suicide only 2 years later.
I have self-mutilated and attempted suicide multiple times over the confusion I felt with the church and my sexuality. To this day I have a problem having normal sexual relationships. Once I left my dad’s household, I became overly promiscuous to compensate for my sexual repression and abuse. It has turned me numb, leaving me with intimacy issues that cause me to overthink every sexual encounter with my long term partner. I have this deep seeded belief that anything LGBT is bad, so any consensual intimate relation with the same sex leaves me with choking guilt. I am still recovering from the death of my mother and the unforeseen consequence of mental illness, but sites like this give me hope for the future. Thank you.