First off, thank you…thank you!
Years of shame, guilt, self loathing and gender confusion because of what I endured. When it first began….I was called into the bishop’s office out of their concern I was “dangerous ” for other children to be around because I had just come out to my parents as being sexually abused by my older brother.
Lets back track first to me and my childhood friend whom ALSO was being sexually abused by her brother, along with her 5 sisters. Her brother would watch us undress; hidden in a closet.
He teezed me often I was a boy….his sisters subsequently would scrutinize my attire, my shape, everything about me due to “David” telling them I had a penis. Well I didn’t have a penis…I had a large distended labia. Who at 6,7,8 years old knows what that even is!
Word got out simultaneously with my mother hiding from anyone and everyone that my brother was sexually abusing me for 3 years. When brought into the bishop’s office, I was interrogated alone, because they thought “she’ll open up more alone”.
Obviously, a child being sexually abused and teezed for her vaginal orifices will be surging with curiosity about her body, coupled with ardent hormones coming on early. The bishop proceeded to ask me about masturbation. I had no idea what that was. I knew I touched myself, and it felt good. According to the bishop, I was going to Hell if I didn’t stop.
He also asked me to describe in detail, my abuse at the hands of my brother. The “play”…the touching…how it made me feel, especially “down there”. What did I think of my brothers penis. What did I feel about my girlfriends. Did I know what a vagina was.
Needless to say I was quite embarrassed to be talking about this as a young girl no more than 10 years old.. he also asked me if I had had my menstruation which I also had no idea what that was. All I knew is that all the girls at school were spreading rumors that I had started my period.
I was told that I welcomed my sexual abuse by my brother because I was being overtly sexual and stirring sexual Spirits by touching myself. I was also told that if I was being teased about my vagina that it was likely deformed because I was sinning.
I won’t go into all the morbid details I’ve had through my life but I’ve had multiple suicide attempts I’ve had multiple reckonings with my sexuality and most of my relationships that were heterosexual we’re just for sex. My mother never got me counseling for my sexual abuse and it wasn’t until I was older that I realized three of the many times I had had intercourse were actually rape. And no way do children need to be introduced to what their body is going through on a hormonal level and what they are going through on a sexual level by a bishop. They should be learning about this from their parents in an appropriate manner. Girls are growing up feeling ashamed of their body and not knowing anything about reproduction except that that’s the only reason you should be enjoying something that feels good which is not accurate!
It is systematic desensitization when children are brought in private alone into a Bishop’s office to talk about sexuality or if they have done anything that is sinful in the churches eyes. Still to this day I feel the utmost shame and morbidity whenever I experience an orgasm. It is very difficult for me to fill pretty to feel beautiful and to be comfortable in my own body. Children are not experiments to play out your religious Babel with. I am just now coming back to knowing who Christ is and it is not what the Mormon church you can be damn well sure of that!