Long story short I was adopted and converted to the church. At age 4, I was already being sexually abused and raped. No one believed me and I had an “over active imagination” I was “coming on” to my abuser.
At 8, I wasn’t allowed to get baptized because I wasn’t ready or “good enough” My adopted mother ended up marrying another man whom ended up also raping and molesting me. My mom knew and blamed me for it and said I was asking for it and was bringing it upon myself. I could’ve stopped it.
When CPS got involved I was manipulated into recanting. (I was breaking up the family, no one would believe me I had “attachment disorder” due to my adoption, I was in capable of love so to prove I loved her I had to say I lied, she was dying and had less than a year you live, CPS was involved before and I recanted so they won’t believe me this time, ect.) I was 9 maybe 10 years old already thinking about suicide but didn’t go through with it for fear of failure and having to clean up my mess before/ after getting medical help.
By the time I was going to my first temple interview I was already broken and felt even worse when the bishop asked questions revolving around sex, “petting”, kissing. When I admitted I was being touched he asked if I liked it. I felt gross already but at the time I truly believed in the church. I admitted my body enjoyed it but I felt gross.
At this time he asked that we pray to see if I’m worthy to enter the temple and be “in his presence.” After the prayer, I was told no temple recommend at this time but you go home, pray and repent and ask for forgiveness. This was the nail in my thinking that I was at fault and worthless and in now used goods no one will want. (Years of lessons, along with young women’s lessons that once your “chastity” is given you’ll always be last choice, if your living after a rape you didn’t fight hard enough)
This has forever ruined my life. I’m still struggling to heal in my adulthood. I’m in a relationship I’m not happy with but I’m sticking with because no one else will want me. I have 4 children. I wish for death at times but will not take my own life. I want it to be some tragic accident. I’m afraid to be alone which is another reason why I’m staying in my crappy situation. Art times I do wonder if my “mom” was right and I did being it upon myself. What else could I have done to stop it. Since my body enjoyed it maybe I was asking for it after all I didn’t say no or stop.