I first experienced orgasm as an 8 year old girl, at the hands of a teacher. I didn’t understand the sensation I had felt nor had I wanted it. It was in discussing it with a friend (who was also being abused) and her “older” sister (who was 10) that we were told that what we had felt was a sin and very bad. All of us were born into and raised by multi generational LDS families. I was terrified to confess to anyone what this older man was doing to not only me, but at least 1 other, out of deep shame and fear that I would get in trouble and be punished. As the years went on, the abuse stopped but I would sometimes find myself stimulated by my jeans or riding a bike or in my sleep and I would feel disgusting. I would pray for God to punish me when I felt those “urges” – I asked him for all sorts of punishment: make me vomit, cause me to have an unbearable headache, any physical punishment God saw fit to dole out, I would have accepted if it would have kept me from experiencing feelings of stimulation or orgasm. I eventually bullied my body into submission, which has had long term consequences.
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