I began masturbating around 10 years old. The guilt started around that time. As my 12th birthday got closer and I started thinking about my interviews to become a deacon, I became suicidal from the overwhelming guilt of masturbating and looking at porn (in the form of Victoria’s Secret catalogs, before high speed internet).
For some reason, a common thought would be imagining slicing my stomach open, from one side to the other, since the guilt seemed to reside in my stomach.
When I started driving, I would hope that a car would suddenly pull out in front of me and kill me. I wanted to KILL myself beginning at TWELVE years old because of something so harmless and natural.
These thoughts didn’t stop until after my mission, a decade, nearly half my life to that point spent wishing I could die.
Also, having your dad as Your bishop in high school isn’t fun when you think the only way to remove the guilt is to confess.