I was not abused during or because of these interviews, but the affects of these interviews haunt me to this day. Ever since my first experience with masturbation, these interviews caused me to hate myself. I was told how weak and sinful I was because of masturbation. I was yelled at and punish by my parents when the bishop informed them of my “sins.” I was humiliated in front of the entire congregation when I was not permitted to participate in the sacrament services. It was a very small congregation and there was just enough young men to take care of everything. Me sitting in the pews was noticed by all and everyone stared, or at least it felt that way. No matter what I did, I would always masturbate again and I thought I was eternally flawed and weak. I would often entertain the idea of castrating myself just so I would no longer have the sexual urges that made me a horrible person. I considered both physical and chemical means of accomplishing this task but luckily never went through with it. I hated myself from the age of 13 to the age of 31. That kind of shame for that duration of time has probably permanently injured me. I am mostly happy today, but hearing anything surrounding shaming people for natural feelings sends me into a rage.
I would also like to note that these interviews taught me how to lie. I had to choose between being a convincing liar or public shaming. It was an easy choice. The internal shame was still as strong as ever, but I did learn to lie to avoid the public shame. These “skills” carried into my marriage where I would lie to my spouse about the same exact things. This obviously did not create a healthy relationship and that marriage is over now even though I wish things turned out otherwise.