I met my husband when I was 18. He is four years older than me and was a return missionary when we met at work. We became intimate and, after a few months of dating, ended up having sex. It was the first time I had sex with anyone and his too. I didn’t tell anyone about it, not my parents or friends. I think it happened a couple more times and then he told me that we had better go talk to our bishops about it.
So, we both made a plan to meet with our respective bishops the following Sunday after church. I was really scared to talk to my bishop. He was the father of one of my male friends that I had grown up with in the ward. I had lived in that ward all my life. It was very hard for me to get the words out that I had had sex with my boyfriend. He urged me on until I finally said the words. I remember the disappointed look on his face. I felt horrible. Some of what he said to me is a blur now but I have never forgotten one piece of advice he gave. He said, “No man wants a woman who is already used up.”
After that day I looked and thought about myself differently. I saw myself as someone who was now different and used. I could never go back to the way I used to be. I wondered, if it didn’t work out with my boyfriend, who would want me? It colored my thoughts and my decisions for many years. His advice didn’t motivate me to stop having sex with my boyfriend. I felt like, this is who I am now. I am already used up so what is the point? If he wants to have sex I should because I need to keep him happy because who else will want me? I ended up getting pregnant when I was 19. We got married, I had a baby a week after turning 20. I am 35 now.