I was born in what many would view the ideal Mormon family. My parents believed in doing all that the church taught and I was raised with a view on reality that was very slanted through the LDS church lens. I am a very curious individual and it did not take me long as an innocent kid to be exposed to pornography and then seek it out to understand it, which I then found to naturally enjoy. I viewed porn and masturbated off and on for my entire middle school years, high school years, and beyond. It was a constant battle to not succumb to this “great evil.” I feel now that it ruined so much of what could have been my happiest years. I felt like I was the only one who struggled. I felt unworthy, unhappy, dirty, unloved and weak. Teenage years are hard enough as it is without all of those insecurities being thrust on you by the only belief system you’ve ever been exposed to! I never experienced sexual advances by bishops or other clergy but having to constantly return and report to a stranger how big failed again and tell him in embarrassing detail how and why I failed was miserable. This happened for over a decade and culminated in me even attempting to go to 12 step addiction recovery programs. I’m figuring out now it’s not a problem with me, I’m not broken, it’s natural and not a evil heinous shameful thing. Oh how I wish things could have been different, I would be a more social person with much less anxieties.
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