When thinking about my baptism, I remember a few things about that day, but there is one huge thing I think about that day. Guilt. Down right guilt. That’s all I thought about that entire experience. I was supposed to be washed of my sins and be perfect. But I wasn’t perfect, nor would I ever become perfect. I had some huge sins on my mind at the time, yes, even at eight years old. In my mind, at that time, I could never over come them.
Most of my guilt was from the sexual questions asked during the baptism interview given by my bishop. At the time, I really liked my Bishop and his family. His wife even made my dress for my baptism. But all of my sexual trauma was on my mind during the interview, even though I refused to tell him any of it. I lied. That made my guilt even worse.
A Babysitter had molested me as a very young child. I totally thought it was my fault. Why would the Bishop ask me to confess my sexual sins if they weren’t my fault? I don’t think I’ve ever over come that guilt. It has stayed with me for 25 years. I’ve just learned to live around it. At the time, I felt like I joined the church based on lies, and continually lied my entire life. Every Bishop and Stake President interview from that time on, I lied about it. Every time I walked in the Temple, I felt nothing about guilt upon me for the lying.
I still don’t talk about those things to people today. I’ve mostly repressed it. Not even my husband knows exactly what happened, and I should probably be in therapy for it.