My bishop asked me if I engaged in masturbation when I was about 12-13. He told me I can’t have the spirit with me if I don’t confess. I denied I ever did and left his office. I had constant guilt for years because “I’m so bad, not even God wants to comfort me.”
I finally confessed (to a different bishop) at 17 and tried to stop but couldn’t. I was in his office almost once a month for “counsel.” Nothing ever happened and he did what he thought would help but I hated his office.
I finally stopped and prepared for my mission at 19. I interviewed with a counselor of the stake presidency. (Just happened to be one of Bruce R McConkies sons.). He told me I must think back to the day of my birth and re-confess everything and think of anything else. He asked me to describe why it took so long to stop after confessing. He told me how awful it would be if I did that on my mission.
I masturbated once on my mission and I was near suicidal for the month I had to wait to see my President. I hated myself, why was I so weak.
After my mission I made out with my girlfriend. All of that guilt came back. I was a failure again, I failed my mission, my God and my family. I ran to my bishops office because I’m supposed to confess anything sexual to bishops. He was concerned, told me to be careful. We made out another night and I confessed again. He thought maybe something else is happening (nothing but kissing) and he spoke with the Stake Pres and put me on informal probation for kissing my girlfriend and future wife. I had so much guilt, my girlfriend had guilt for wanting to continue kissing. All of this hate and guilt because of the church’s obsession with confession.