Trigger Warning: child sex abuse.
This is about church teachings being used by my abuser.
I grew up in a small Mormon town and was an innocent and naive child. When I was in grade 3, 8 years old, a teenage neighbor boy trapped me in my grandpa’s barn & molested me. I didn’t know what to do other than say stop, which he ignored. The next time he saw me, he said “come with me.” When I said no, he said “if you don’t, I’ll tell your dad & the bishop what you’ve been up to. When I told him he would be in trouble too, he said he would name his brother (my friend & playmate) and say I started it. He said the bishop will make sure you don’t go to heaven if I tell him but if you come with me I won’t tell. But if the bishop gets you in his office, he will make you tell everything & your dad & mom will know what you’ve done. Everyone in the ward will know. I was trapped.
The abuse went on for several months. My mom sent my sister & I out to play every day, so I had no safety. He was lurking everywhere, and would sneak up on me and crook his finger & say “you want to come with me.” I hid out at the library after school until the librarian told me to go home. I hung out at my dad’s garage until he sent me home. Then I would sprint for Home & try to get past his house, which was 2 doors down.
He got bored with digital penetration & tried to put his penis in me but I was too small, so he started penetrating me vaginally & anally with successively wider cylindrical objects that he said would make me bigger. It got to be extremely painful & I often bled. After each session he would tell me he was only doing what he could tell I wanted him to do. He always reminded me that, if I wasn’t good, he would tell the bishop what I was making him do.
One afternoon, he told me that it was time to “pop my cherry” and he stripped my pants off. I tried to bargain for just the fingers but he solemnly refused, saying that my behavior had led him to this & that the bishop had to know if I wouldn’t cooperate. He said he knew that his penis was what I “needed” and wanted.
I was petrified, I kicked him, screamed, grabbed my pants & tried to run, naked from the waist down. I told him I would tell the bishop myself. And, just like that, I was free of him. Forever.
But I was not free of my guilt & terror. I didn’t tell the bishop & prayed that he wouldn’t. A week or two later, the bishop came to talk to our junior Sunday School class. I was so frightened, I almost threw up. He told us he was there to talk about repentance & that we shouldn’t take the sacrament until we had repented of our sins. He said that we could repent of our little sins by praying very hard & never doing it again, but that we had to talk to him about big sins, & that we would know the big sins by how bad they made us feel. I had been heartsick & heartbroken for months. Mine was certainly the biggest of sins. Still, the bishop was a stern man & I didn’t dare talk to him. This was the first time I tried to bargain with God. I prayed & prayed & prayed for forgiveness, especially during the sacrament, not daring to take it until God let me know I was forgiven. After a few weeks of this, my Sunday School teacher stated (in front of the class) that I must really want to be forgiven because I was working so hard. She said she was sure Heavenly Father had forgiven me & I should take the sacrament. I was somewhat relieved and got on with my life but as a much more anxious child.
Then I went into MIA, where I quickly learned that sexual behavior was “the sin next unto murder.” I started to see myself as almost as bad as a murderer.