I was fifteen lost my virginity to my boyfriend. I felt terrible about attempted baptism for the dead when others work so hard for a temple recommend so I confessed to my bishop. He ask me so many unnecessary details about the act. He asked me about thing I myself didn’t know about. I felt he was enjoying, too, but trying to hide it. He was writing in his large notebook. I didn’t even ask him not to tell my parents. He said, “Don’t worry I won’t tell your parents. If it happens again we will need to discuss it again, if you touch yourself we will need to discuss it.”
I didn’t go back, until one day when I was still 15. I had been involved sexually with a boy, 19, about to leave on his mission. He was cool and everyone wanted to marry him when he came home so when he asked me on a date I got excited, I wasn’t looking for sex but he was aggressive and I gave in. His family found out. We were forced to come in to the bishops office together. He cried and cried and the bishop told me I ruined his life. The bishop asked me to come in again and the cycle went on until I left Utah. This idea of a very present patriarchy has damaged me of men for quite some time and put me in positions of abuse by many a member. My ex is mormon. My daughter attends church with him every other Sunday. I pray to God she never feels the way I did.