My boyfriend and I had sex at the age of 17 for the first time after being together for almost a year. Before that I had never so much as gone to second base or “abused” myself with masturbation. I had an overwhelming feeling of shame and guilt and knew the only relief would come from repentance with the help of my bishop. I had expected a lecture about our bodies being temples and saving ourselves for marriage etc. but what I got was series of interrogating and a humiliatingly detailed line of questions. How many times did you have sex? Did he masturbate in front of you? Did you masturbate? Did you perform oral sex on him? Did he on you? Did you orgasm? How many times did you orgasm? Did you have anal sex? And then added that what I had done was a sin next to murder. He also informed me that I would need to stand in front of a court of 12 men and tell them what I had told him so they could determine if I would be excommunicated or not. I left in shock, confused and ashamed. But after a little time and once some of the shame started to wear off, logic started to take over. How could making love to my long-term boyfriend be even close to murder? I sure as hell wasn’t going to stand up in front of 12 men and tell those perverts anything. I ended up leaving the church at 18. I’ve been happily married for 17 years but the mental scars still live with me. I often mentally berate myself after sex with my husband. The thought ‘You’re disgusting’ will repeat in my mind.
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