So I was always kind of a weird child(at least, in my mind) I can remember sneaking into our family’s computer room in the middle of the night when I was 9 to google pictures of naked women. Keep in mind that my parents had never had the sex talk with me. At this time, I didn’t even know what sex was yet, and considering I was 9, that’s really pitiful on my parents part.
Anyway, moving on, I started masturbating as soon as I hit puberty, somewhere around late 9/early 10 (I was a little early, so I’m told). I didn’t even know what masturbation was. All I knew was that my penis did this thing where the skin folded over the top and if I did it fast enough it felt amazing.
I remember being called in to have my priesthood ordination interview when I was 12, and one of the first things I was asked was if I followed the law of chastity. I, if course, answered “no,” because I don’t do good under pressure, and I’m extremely socially awkward, and my mouth slipped up. I quickly corrected myself, but apparently my uneasiness made me look suspicious, because my bishop then proceeded to ask me I don’t even know how many times if I was sure, to which I replied affirmative, until he asked “what about masturbation?”
Not knowing what he meant, I asked him, to which he replied with a visual demonstration using his pointer finger in place of an actual penis. After learning this important piece of information, I, of course, had to confess that I did, indeed, masturbate.
Upon learning this, he immediately told me that if I didn’t stop, not only would I myself to to hell, but I would drag my family down with me. After telling me this, he postponed my ordination for an entire year, during which I was instructed to “purify my soul,” by avoiding technology in any form, abstaining from sacrament, and a handful of other really ridiculous things.
Also during this time, I was threatened with disfellowshipment should I tell my parents or anyone else the reason for everything.
The absolute humility I felt, as well as my already existing social anxiety isolating me left me spraying into depression, and suicide attempt after suicide attempt. I’ve been hospitalized for mental illnesses 4 times, and even now, after having requested my records removed from church documents almost 3 years ago, I have a hard time accepting that I’m normal in those aspects and not some sort of sexual freak who should hate himself with the fiery passions of hell.