I was baptized at 8, like all the other kids who were raised in the church did.
When I was 9 I was raped by my brother over the span of almost a year. My parent’s had caught him in the act and instead of involving law enforcement they just sat us down and told us we could go to jail because incest was wrong. It continued longer and it wasn’t until my sister caught him that something was done.
We both then went to councilors who were recommended by the church. My brother was told what he did was okay and that he just needed to learn to live with what he’d done. On the other hand, I was told that what happened was wrong and that I never should have let anyone touch me like that. And was told to repent.
Once I reached the age of 12 and had an interview with my bishop, I was asked the usual question of “have you kept the law of chastity?” This always made me uncomfortable because I had to tell my bishop every time what had happened. I wasn’t sure if I was worthy enough because of what my brother put me through.
Not too long after I was depressed and started self harming. At the time I went to an LDS charter school where a girl kissed me in the bathroom. Myself also being female, that took me by surprise and was not okay. I was later taken in to see my home ward bishop alone when he proceeded to ask, “did you like it when she kissed you?” and “we’re you aroused by her?” I shamefully replied no to both and he still told me I must repent for my sins. My depression, guilt, and suicidal ideation proceeded.
When I was 13, I realized that I like women. I tried dating boys to cover it up or attempt to turn myself straight so I wasn’t required to have yet another conversation with my bishop. Well, it didn’t work. I was called into the bishops office and asked “am I attracted to girls?”, ” do I want to have sexual relations with a girl?”, and ” why do I like girls?”
Since then I have isolated myself from young women during church and have completely stopped going to mutual. I am forced to go to church every Sunday where I am seen as the lesbian who thinks she will receive salvation. I do not take the sacrament. When I was 16 I consented to pre-marital sex. Since then I have found myself in the LGBT+ community and at 17 (almost 18) I identify as gender fluid and pansexual. Meaning i consider myself a boy and girl who likes men, women, transgender men, and transgender women. I have accepted myself, depression, guilt, ptsd, anxiety, and rejection from the community I was raised in.