I only ever knew about pornography and masturbation from the church deacons quorum meetings. Our teachers lectured us young (12) on how we shouldn’t lust and masturbate and do all these other things. I now realize how inappropriate that was.
I have feelings for men and I tried to hide it and would cry myself to sleep every night because i didn’t want to be gay. I tried to change my self and think about woman harder but it didn’t work. I was miserable as a child and depressed. Eventually in jr high I got curious and viewed some porn, nothing addictive just to see. I would try to test my self to see if i was gay.
Meanwhile the church was unrolling new policies on how gay people are terrible and how we shouldn’t act on those feelings. So i felt like shit.
My dad looked at my history on my phone and called me down to his basement. He then asked me a whole list of questions on how long i have been “addicted,” what kind of porn, how explicit, what genders, what media, etc. He made many points on how it was out of love but it felt wrong. He was so concerned about my spirituality he forgot i was a teenage kid.
I have severe anxiety and some depression so i was crying in his office begging to leave to go on a walk, but he angrily had me stay. I was crying and panicking. He asked me if i was raped or anything. He said what he found disgusted him and I have been satanic and that was why.
This continued on and off in jr high i remember vividly the 2nd time he found on my phone. I hadn’t had my phone in weeks and we were watching priesthood session and I felt calm and I was happy we were alone in the basement. He turned to me and he had something planned. He took me into an unfinished area in the basement after he questioned me. I was screaming and bawling and panicking. I wanted to run away and die, just get away from him.
I sat on the mattress and he plopped down a chair. He prayed angrily and then went through a lessen to help me. He asked me many more questions I didn’t know the answers to. He finally let me go through clenched teeth and I sat in my room and cried holding my breath and passing out to try and kill my self.
The next week he forced me to go to the bishop. I was having a panic attack and he got me in there. I then explained to my bishop and he asked me more explicit questions and told me how I had sinned seriously for masturbating.
I had a depressing year not wanting to live. My dad had convinced me that Satan was telling me I was gay. So i prayed to have him stop. I got spiritual eventually for a period of time. I didn’t masturbate for 3 months and I had several gay wet dreams that I thought were sins. When i slipped up again I felt immense shame and guilt and suicidal thoughts. The Church’s doctrine doesn’t help one feel at peace. It makes one feel lonely and depressed. I am 16 still living in my parents home and I’ve avoided my dad cause he terrifies me and I now know I’m gay and that’s something I’m born with. Please put an end to this.