I was taught and groomed to believe that men were standing between me and god. That they were acting as gods representative. I do not remember large parts of childhood, however looking back on symptoms, I see some traits of red flags of abuse or mental instability (I assume abuse, but I don’t have evidences nor the memories).
Leading to young adulthood, I was sexually violated by a friend’s neighbor. He was a youthful father of four. Our friends spent a considerable amount of time visiting him and his family and participating in their activities. One time I went with him and his kids camping. The other friends couldn’t make it, so I went alone. That night, after he put his kids to sleep, he touched my groin. I froze and couldn’t move. All I could do was say that I wasn’t comfortable and that I didn’t want to do this. My mind was racing with guilt and shame; what did I do to make his happen, what is so wrong with me? I didn’t respond to him, I never consented, and I cried. He masturbated while touching me after me telling him I didn’t want this.
I blamed myself. I cried a lot. I went to counseling at university primarily to deal with this.
Now being in a further place in life (although still not healed because I don’t know if there is such a thing a healing after that), I would blame the institution for teaching me that priesthood holders and men with priesthood are acting for god. I saw him as being infallible and I blamed myself.
After the incident he asked for a private conversation. He took me in his car and told me that he would like to choose if and when he tells his family what happened. He said that he knows them better than I do, and he would like for me to leave it up to him.