I finally had the courage to confess my “sins.” I sat in the bishops office shaking, explaining that I had a messed up. He asked detailed, explicit questions that I felt uncomfortable answering. He lectured me on orgasm and erection. He looked at me accusingly like I was some kind of criminal, “where exactly did you touch each other? How long? How many times? Where were you when it happened?” The interrogation continued. At this point I was shaking, trying to hold back sobs. He didn’t care. He just kept talking, “You felt that erection, didn’t you?” “You’re going to screw up again, aren’t you?” He proceeded to tell me that what I had done was serious. What I had done was almost as bad as murder. I was dirty, impure and unworthy. He said, “Once virtue is lost you can never get it back.” That hit me hard. Those words haunted me.
I left that confession feeling shamed and humiliated. And I thought I deserved every harsh word that man said. I thought I deserved to be miserable. As time went on I felt dark. I couldn’t shake the guilt and the self loathing. I HATED MYSELF. I was a dirty, good for nothing whore. I spent every night awake in my bed thinking of how I was going to kill myself. I didn’t deserve to live. No “good Mormon boy” would ever want me now. If my family knew who I really was, they wouldn’t want me either. God had abandoned me. I thought he wanted me to suffer because I deserved it. I thought he was on that Priesthood leaders side. After all, God placed him in that position of power, right? I was the one in the wrong. Not him.
Thankfully I did not proceed with the plan to end my life. I received PROFESSIONAL help. Through therapy I’m realizing that what I went through was WRONG. What that man did and said, regardless of his calling and priesthood authority, was wrong. It was not Christ like. It was not inspired. His words were violating. They were full of lies and judgement. I can see that now, but I am still learning to BELIEVE it.
I am a good person. I am not impure or unworthy or bad. I deserve love and happiness just like anyone else. The person who I should have gone to was my mom, but instead I went to a man who I barely knew. I did not feel compassion or love. I did not feel safe. I felt attacked and judged and humiliated.
I will never forget this experience, but I hope to eventually heal from it. Thank you for reading my story.