I was raised LDS and when I was 14 I felt I needed to talk to the bishop about my first sexual experience because I believed that God could only forgive such horrible sins next to murder with the bishop as a tool. I was 14 and got felt up by a 15 year old outside clothing and it was consensual. I told the bishop and while it was uncomfortable to talk about with him I felt I needed to in order to be forgiven. He asked so many questions but it was such a simple thing I just got confused. I ended up hating myself and thinking I wasn’t worthy of love since there must have been some underlying REASON I was okay being “defiled”.
This led to me searching for love in unhealthy ways. I, also, started cutting and contemplated suicide multiple times since then.
I didn’t want to lose my chance to be married in the temple or be the only one not going to do baptisms for the dead so I started lying in bishop interviews. I justified it by thinking “God knows all. He knows my heart.” This is so confusing for anyone. I was torn because I believed that God knew so I didn’t need to tell the bishop but I felt like I was horrible and wrong for keeping my sexual life to myself (I was still a virgin).
When I was 17 I lost my virginity and decided I was too tainted for church so I stopped going. I got pregnant at 18 because I’d only been taught abstinence. I literally had no idea what condoms were until I was about 3 months pregnant when I was talking to my OBGYN. I decided I needed to make church part of my life again for my baby to grow up righteous. I placed him for adoption. I started going to church again after he was born. It was obvious I had to talk to the bishop again. I was asked HOW it happened, how many times it happened, how many partners, if I liked it, where it happened… I didn’t show remorse so he asked about that. I told him, “if it hadn’t of happened, my birth son wouldn’t exist so you’re saying he’s the result from a sin” to which he said, “yes, the fact that he exists is a miracle BUT it’s the ACT that’s the sin.” “But without the ACT he wouldn’t exist.” “Right, but the ACT is a sin.” “So if I hadn’t of sinned, he wouldn’t be here.” I had this same conversation with 3 different bishops due to moving a few times.
Out of the 29 questions I’ve been asked 14 of them. This is what made me start to question the LDS church and I looked into actual history and found things out I couldn’t agree with. I’m officially an ex Mormon now and my birth son just got baptized and confirmed… I hope he doesn’t go through the shaming and emotional turmoil that I went through. When someone you think is called of God makes you feel like chewed gum because you have any type of sexual desires it’s hard not to take that personally especially when you’re a young person.