It all started in the summer of 2009.. Worthiness interviews for baptisms for the dead. This was the first time he called me in, I was just recently sexually active and I knew it was inappropriate for my age.. Embarrassed and scared at what he might do or say, I lied and I let my bishop know that I just didn’t want to do baptisms.. Lying through my teeth, I was on my way to Youth Conference without a recommendation..
Sitting outside the San Diego temple by myself for HOURS while all the other kids were doing the secret thing I couldn’t see or know more about in itself felt weird.. It also didn’t help them all knowing I couldn’t participate and being curious and wanting to know what sin I committed.
A few months down the line, the bishop called me and two other girls my age into his office randomly ‘to talk’.. one by one. We anxiously waited for our interviews. I was the first one up and when I got into his office he shut the door behind me and it was just him and I sitting in the room (sitting here typing I am shaking, sweating, and my heart rate has gone up).. He began by saying ‘I heard you and some friends were at a party and you did some inappropriate things with a boy.’ Shocked from him lying and phishing I said, ‘No I wasn’t at any party.. I hangout at my house and the park with my friends.’ Which he then continued with, ‘Do you have a boyfriend?’ ‘Are you two sexually active?’ ‘How long?’ ‘What did you do to each other?’ ‘Oral sex?’ ‘Anal sex?’ So on and so forth.. I blocked out a lot of the things he asked and my responses to his questioning. (It was that scarring)
I left the room feeling violated, ashamed, dirty, and alienated.. Let’s not forget the homework he forced on me.. I had a wonderful book to read ‘The Miracle of Forgiveness’ which I threw into my mom’s glove box and never touched again. Although she asked me if I did and if I was ready for my next interview with him.. I begged and cried to her not to make me go again.
I told her I was uncomfortable in the room with him. I told her how I didn’t want to repent.. She explained I felt this way because I was a sinner and I shouldn’t have been doing those things..
Three interviews later the bishop made me feel more and more shameful as he got more and more details of sins I had partook in.. Little did he know I was raped during all of this which was why I was acting out sexually. Little did he care that my mom was a strung out drug addict addicted to pills the entire time, milking the church for each penny they could give. He seemed to get something out of our little interviews…..
After the forced repentance sessions I felt alientaed at church, like everyone knew I was the bad girl and they knew. Wards talk ALOT, and ours especially, nice stuck up Socal for ya.. People looked at me differently after the interviews, Young Women’s wasn’t the same.. feeling like everyone around you is judging you isn’t the best feeling.. so I slowly stopped going to church, physically I was forced but I was not mentally there.. too hungover and throwing up in the bathroom from drinking heavily the night before, or ditching class to go to Del Taco..
I just couldn’t stomach the way the bishops eyes looked whenever he made eye contact with me or tried to hug me or shake my hand… the rest of my high school life continued to spiral down. So I stopped going to church and remained an inactive member for many years until I could stomach the courage to have my name formally removed. Thank you for all you do!