Was asked only once if I masturbate after being asked if I follow the Law of Chasity. I fell into complete silence and the man interviewing me proceeded to ask if I knew what masturbation was. I sat in that chair trying hard to recall the word from a health class but kept thinking of menstruation. As a young woman, I felt complete shame in not being more knowledgeable to answer and move on. It was embarrassing and uncomfortable. When I shook my head, I had a hunch of what he was referring to but was not completely sure. He responded, “Do you touch yourself?” I knew exactly what he was implying and I quickly and clearly said no. We moved on to the next question about tithing.
Two years later, just yesterday, I admitted to my parents I was asked the question if I masturbated but said I immediately said no. To me, I was not abused or made to go into detail, so I thought my story was not a big deal. Three sentences and each under five words really shift an individual’s world without realizing.
My parents were angry that the question was asked in the first place. I can’t bring myself to tell them the two other sentences because they will be even more ready to tear down the authorities in our ward. I already had a problem with a ward member from school that involved emotional and mental abuse and I didn’t need one with my bishop who I have met many times about depression and anxiety. He was a psychologist and I was still asked that question.
I just feel so embarrassed and uncomfortable that it happen to me but I don’t want to make a big deal about it because so many others have experienced so much worse. To anyone else, I would be vocal of my anger and supportive, but I don’t feel worth making a fuss. But if I said yes… that interview could have become a living nightmare. I’m so relieved I never wanted to speak to those men about subjects that related to sexual content, even on the smallest level. I was so close. My life could be so different now.