I didn’t have it as bad as many others have recounted as horrors during interviews. However, I had developed clinical depression at the time when it really wasn’t recognized for what it was; I was twelve when I had my first ideation of suicide. I didn’t get diagnosed and prescribed anti-depressants until I was nearly forty-five.
In all the meantime, the only connection to a cause for thinking about suicide or otherwise feeling unworthy was that the Church preached that masturbation was a sin. I discovered masturbation but didn’t know what it was or was called; that I learned in sex education classes in middle school. Even then, since it was a public school and not the Church, there was no stigma attached to it.
Once the teachings of the Church made me realize what I was doing was wrong, I never felt worthy as I would go only a few months at a time before I’d lapse back into sinning. I’d be pure for a few months before I would be ordained to another office in the Priesthood, before I went on my mission, and before my temple marriage. Since my only sin was masturbation, it must have been the linchpin to my depressive moments. Suicide came up as a solution a few times; however, I hit rock-bottom when I decided that in addition to taking my own life, I would need to kill my wife and three children beforehand; so as to not let them live on, knowing that I had committed suicide.
Years later, I finally got onto an anti-depressant medication; that was one of the milestones of my entire life. But I still had to deal with the fact that I was sinning whenever I masturbated. Finally, I mentally and emotionally left the Church; then I was free to masturbate as I pleased and not feel guilty about it. Yes, I know that I have left behind the idea of living forever with my family in the Celestial Kingdom; but it’s nothing but a empty dream. I now live for this life as I realize that this is the only life that I have. The moral to this story is that great freedom awaits you to enjoy this life to its fullest if you will but leave the Church forever… and that getting prescribed effective anti-depressants can literally save your life.