I was sexually abused every week by my teenage brother from the age of 4 until 8. The week after my baptism I finally got the nerve to tell him no, and he stopped. I don’t remember struggling with the abuse until I started young women’s. I sat and listened to young women leaders tell me that sexual sin was worse than anything else. I believed that I was going to Hell because I didn’t stop the abuse. I looked through the strength of youth pamphlet for any hint that I was okay, that I had done nothing wrong. At the time, the pink Strength of Youth had nothing to help me.
I became suicidal. I was going to Hell anyway, so why live. I spent months thinking of all the ways to kill myself. I told one friend, the first person I had ever told about the abuse, and she thankfully told someone I was suicidal.
My parents didn’t quite understand what I was saying and they sent me to the bishop. The bishop told me I had done nothing wrong but didn’t report the abuse. My family was a foster home and had children consistently in the house. My brother lived there and had access to a vulnerable population. No one reported my abuse. The bishop forgave my brother and nothing else happened. I hope that he never hurt anyone else but he’s currently a primary teacher in his ward.
I didn’t bring my abuse up again for 10 years. By this point I had PTSD from the trauma and was having flash backs. I had a friend tell me that the church believed in “better dead than unclean”. I found those quotes and many many others.
I ended up leaving Mormonism and have sent years in therapy unprogramming that I am sinful and didn’t do enough to stop it.