My duration at the Provo MTC was from September through November of 2008. Each and every day there were lessons, videos, talks, activities, and speakers which all focused on personal worthiness, and that all success as a missionary depends on that worthiness. The result was a constant and immense feeling of guilt, insecurity, and failure – to the point where I couldn’t take it anymore, and requested to speak to someone about “unresolved sins” before starting my mission. Here is my experience with an intrusive worthiness interview in the Provo MTC. On a Sunday I went to a member of my district branch presidency and said I needed to have a personal appointment. He and I sat in an empty room, and I told him I had unresolved sins from before my mission. He asked me to be specific and explain what each sin was, which I did. After explaining the details he said he was not qualified to pardon me, and said he would set-up an appointment for me with a higher official (probably equal to a stake level position). The next day during a class I was called over the intercom speaker to make my way to a part of the MTC. When I arrived at the area, there was a waiting area and a secretary, which I learned is specifically set-up for missionary confessions. The secretary directed me to a room in a long hallway where a man was waiting behind a desk. The man asked me to explain, in detail, what I had done; he even asked me if I had “ejaculated” as the sins were of sexual nature. He also asked how many times I did what I did, with who, did the other person orgasm, how many times, etc. After (difficulty) answering and explaining everything, I was told I could stay at the MTC and continue on my mission, as long as I called both my bishop and stake president and told them what I had just told this man. The man then directed me down a hallway lined with rooms that only had a chair, end table, and phone in them. He gave me the phone numbers, and I had to call both my bishop and stake president (with the MTC official standing over me and listening to make sure I confessed correctly) as I explained to the bishop and stake president what I had done, that I had lied to them in their interviews, and then I had to ask for their forgiveness. Once that was done (and I was completely humiliated) the man said everything was confessed, and I had but to ask God to be forgiven. Then I went back to my class, and basically resumed my mission. My reason for sharing this is because the MTC is full of experiences like mine on a daily basis, and is not only intrusive, but disgusting, embarrassing, and psychologically damaging. Hopefully more about the MTC can be brought to light and others can find healing. Beyond this experience I have felt worthless as a human and full of guilt and shame for masturbating (not excessively, but a healthy amount for a teenager and adult male). The guilt and shame followed me for 14 years of my life (between the ages of 13 and 27) until I finally left the LDS church. During my church membership I contemplated suicide as often as several times a day because I did not feel worthy or that I could ever be worthy; that my time in this life was useless if I could never overcome masturbation. There were times I even had the gun in my hand. Thoughts of my wife and daughter kept me from killing myself. Since learning the truth of the LDS church and leaving I have no longer had any desire to commit suicide. I have attended therapy by myself and with my wife. Though this has all helped, and I am happy and at peace, I cannot get back those 14 years of pain.
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