My story is about the pain of ignorance- how we can hurt and be hurt by our false beliefs. It is about how I was hurt when I was sexually assaulted by my LDS boyfriend but blamed myself. It is about how I was hurt by my bishop who was not trained to see my vulnerabilities or the difference between consent and coercion when I went to “repent” of my “sin”. My story is about the shame I felt when I was told masturbation is a sin and felt compelled to confess to an older man details of my sexuality that should have remained private, that if anything should have been normalized. My story is now about forgiveness, not because the church has sought it or admitted they were wrong, rather it is a gift to myself. A gift to break the chains they placed on me when they said I was a sinner, when they deemed me unworthy and made me feel less than. Desmond Tutu said, “Healing and reconciliation demand an honest reckoning. Behavior that is hurtful, shameful, abusive or demeaning must be brought into the fierce light of truth.” The truth is the church continues to shame and abuse children in their ignorance and it must stop. I will start by no longer allowing them to define and judge me or my children.
“When I forgive you
You will no longer define me
You measured me and assessed me and decided you could hurt me
I didn’t count
But I will forgive you
Because I do count
I do matter
I am bigger than the image you have of me
I am stronger
I am more beautiful
And I am infinitely more precious than you thought me
I will forgive you
My forgiveness is not a gift I am giving you
When I forgive you My forgiveness will be a gift that gives itself to me”
Desmond Tutu