I was a new Convert and I had just turned 18. In my home ward all of the Moms had it planned out which boys from the Ward their Daughter’s were going to marry. It was my first introduction to the meat market. My first Sunday my Mom stood up and introduced me in relief Society. the lady sitting next to us jumped up out of her seat (!) and said “And she is for my son!” The Bishopric’s First Counselor’s wife piped up “But what about my daughter?!” It was the first time I felt reduced down to a Uterus.
Fast forward 3 months and all of the boys in my Ward were coming home from their Missions and they wanted to know who the new girl was. I started dating the one I was interested in.
At 18 I had already experienced sex and I had to learn how to turn off that drive. It was hands down the most trying time of my 15 year Membership. We ended up getting hot and heavy after one of our dates. Under the clothes groping. We both ended up feeling guilty because “One true Church…” and met with our Bishop. We went individually to our Disciplinary Counsels which were held at the Stake Center which was uber intimidating for me.
He went through his and was told he was to skip the Sacrament a few weeks. They adored him. He had just come home from his Mission, he was charming, attractive, all the moms loved him and the whole Ward watched him grow up.
Then I went in. I sat at a large table with what seemed like a mile between me, the entire Bishopric and a Member of the Stake. I was painted as promiscuous, as a temptress, that boys couldn’t control themselves around me and it was my fault and then I was told that they had already spoken to RM and just needed to clarify specifics with me.
I was then asked if my breasts were exposed, if my underwear was on or off, if I climaxed, if he climaxed, if I performed oral or if he performed oral, if there was penetration and if so for how long. Upon asking those questions then I was asked to explain what actually took place. Then they convened with one another and said that I was going to be Disfellowshipped until it was inspired that I had properly Repented and that I needed to do weekly meetings with the Bishop.
Mormonism took a normal girl with a healthy self esteem and relationship with God prior to joining the Church, and made her feel like she was worthless.
That night I went home and contemplated suicide for the first (last) time in my life. I felt like such a huge disappointment to God and that I was keeping “Righteous young men” from living a clean and honorable life. I absorbed and internalized every word they expressed to me in that meeting.
After this experience, I graduated high school and left to BYU thinking that it was just a fluke Ward. It wasn’t. Shaming is common within Mormonism.