As a teenager I had sex once, I talked to my bishop about it and he told me the cupcake analogy and told me that I was of less value than if I had waited until marriage. I felt less than any of the other girls I grew up around.
A couple years later I was raped. Another bishop asked if I had messed up again and then asked if I had orgasmed during it. He asked if I had enjoyed any part of it and if I had led the boy on(I was seventeen at the time). He then proceeded to tell me that I was still clean and did nothing wrong even though I felt dirty. I stopped talking to that bishop and instead talked to my Stake president. He helped me feel better and find self worth again. Now I’m 22 and I had recurring feelings of self hatred and guilt from being raped. I talked to a third bishop and he gave me a timeline to forgive the boys who had hurt me and proceeded to give me all the reasons not forgiving would give me-hell, no peace, unhappiness, hurt. He didn’t take into account that I was still hurting and needing comfort and instead made me feel like I was at fault. Whenever I’m around bishops now, I feel judged and quite honestly there’s no trust there. I’m still trying to gain enough trust to go to tithing settlement rather than just texting my status. I have worked my self esteem back up and don’t want it hurt again.