Constant shame and guilt, the feeling before and after every meeting with the bishop. Awkwardly entering the room sitting down alone. Three feet away from a man I have never known in my life in the slightest. My guts twisting and churning knowing what questions are to come soon that I in the moment would have to lie about or come clean and face the embarrassment and shame of my sins. This at the age of 12 to the age of 17 till I left the church being what I put my self through. Hating every moment of the interview entirely and feeling completely relieved once it was over.
At times when I did choose to lie only to go home and pray for forgiveness and cry and beg that the spirit could still be with me thinking that I was never worthy enough to have this comfort so many talked about. For years this continued till I had the help from my Brother In law to grasp these normal concepts and finally be at peace with my self. So many times i felt completely torn and horrid inside for what I thought I was struggling with.
Now knowing that I was a normal boy and that everyone of my friends hated those talks and interviews just as much as me. Simply put they have to go. I never struggled with thoughts of suicide or severe depression but if it affected a normal person such as me in such a way where I felt so incredibly unwanted, disappointed, and straght hateful towards my own self and aspects that just represented my body’s physical natural. I can’t imagine what it would be like to struggle with severe depression and have those elements that the LDS church brings down on its faithful members. It is time to end this and spare the future generations this torment.