I got my first boyfriend when I was 19 years old. I was a virgin and never even kissed anyone. I was strong in the church. He was a recent convert to the church and kind of struggling to understand everything. He was an amazing guy who did everything asked of him. He gave up coffee, alcohol, drugs, and sex. These were all things that were the norm for him growing up. The mighty changes he made to become worthy is what attracted me to him the most. He was a gentleman and super sweet.
It was hard for him at first when things became serious in our relationship to not be so physical and he respected that. About 2 months in, the sexual tension between us became so overwhelming and we messed up. Neither one of us was at “fault”. We made the decision together. We both felt guilty and agreed to speak with our bishops. It is difficult and terrifying to confess breaking the law of chastity but I bravely went to my bishop the following Sunday and told him that my boyfriend and I made a mistake and I was there to repent.
He didn’t just want me to say I broke the law of chastity. He wanted details such as where we touched each other, if there was petting, grinding, making out, or intercourse involved. Needless to say, I left feeling even dirtier than I felt when I first arrived.
My boyfriend and I messed up on more than one occasion, again, both of our mistakes. I got asked more sexually explicit questions and I was not allowed to take the sacrament anymore.
My bishop basically told me that it was my boyfriend’s fault because he was a convert and didn’t understand the law of chastity. The blame was placed on my boyfriend when it was a mistake we BOTH made together. It was not rape. Sometimes, I’m the one who started things.
We dated for a year and then got married civilly by his bishop (who was more understanding and placed no blame on either one of us). We felt like our only option to stop sinning was marriage and our goal was to get sealed in the temple a year later. We have actually been inactive for a while because we felt judged and we both want to give church another try but only once we are both ready. I want things to change as far as interviews are concerned because I have felt violated by the questions asked. It shouldn’t matter what happened. All they need to know is “Hey Bishop, I messed up. I’m ready to repent.” They don’t need to know every detail.