I recieved yearly worthiness interviews to go to the temple. Around 13 when puberty hit I discovered masturbation. Ultimately because of the church’s strong emphasis not to participate in the ‘sin’ it seemed to make me more aware and curious about it than my other girl friends.
I always lied in the bishops interviews when asked the law of chastity question. I was constantly wracked with guilt all year round. I felt so dirty. I asked my YW president what happens if you lie in a bishops interviews. She told me because of the power of discernment they would know the truth but let me enter the temple anyway.
I couldn’t look the bishop in the eye and also anyone else who had ‘the power of discernment.’ This essentially meant all leaders in the church so all adults male and female. This out stretched to teachers at school and even once I’d left the church – bosses.
I also as a teen began cutting myself as I was so disgusted in myself. As a result I will be scarred for the rest of my life. I wished I was a boy so I could confess and be clean again because I felt there was less shame, that it was almost expected for boys to ‘slip up.’ I thought I was sick in the head to be a female tied up in this and the thought of confessing was too humiliating. I also thought it would probably get back to my parents. (The thought of your LDS father finding out you masturbate when you are a teen girl is mortifying. I was scared it would be too uncomfortable to maintain a relationship with him.) For years I struggled with self hate and disgust for doing something natural. I just didn’t want to tell an older man that I had to socialise with multiple times a week my sexual habits.