I was extremely suicidal my freshman year. I left my house at 6am for seminary and got off the bus at 4pm followed by sports and lessons. As a 14 year old kid pulling 11-12 hour days was brutal. As the oldest in my family I tried so hard to be perfect, because “the natural man is an enemy to God”, “I could try a little harder to be a little better”, “I should not be so casual in my relationship with God.”
Despite this I struggled with a dark secret, though at the time I had no word to associate it with. All I knew from the strength of youth I was “arousing strong feelings that should only be expressed through marriage.”
I would resolve and repent a few days before youth temple recommend interviews so I could answer truthfully I was practicing the law of chastity. Of course I would relapse because this little thing made me feel a little better physically in my exhausted, sad existance…But at the same time I was horrified that I was becoming like Laman and Lemuel- past feeling.
Unfortunately I slipped up the night before a temple trip and was too scared to tell the bishop I’d thought inappropriate thoughts and touched myself. I was nauseous and terrified, I had condemned the dead because I’d done their work unworthily.
My first Sunday at BYU I was given a list of “Morality Terms Defined.” I read those unfamiliar words and finally found the word to describe the evil of evils I participated in since childhood . I was a scared, 18 year old girl, far away from home being called to repentance or face the judgement of God. I opted to live as liar and a coward, and felt so bad I was adding to Christ suffering. I was filled with so much fear and anxiety I was sick to my stomach for days after that first Sunday.
To add to the anxiety and shame, at EFY we were encouraged to ponder if kissing was breaking the law of chastity. And I knew kissing was a slippery slope to sex from YW lessons. Desperate to be a good moral daughter of God. I broke off every “relationship” before a kiss could be given. A month shy of my 27th birthday I finally had my first kiss. I did not feel guilty, and surprisingly did not have sex either haha. Now I’m desperate to get my second kiss 😉