Ever since I could remember, I’ve been in the Mormon church. Throughout that time, I can honestly say that I never really believed. I couldn’t say why, but some things didn’t seem right, but I would push it away and try not to think about it. I remember right after being baptized the feeling that came over me-the thought of ‘what have I done, I don’t believe in it’.
I got baptized for my parents, got a temple recommend for my parents, went to the temple for my parents, went to church for my parents, went to church because it was expected of a “good mormom girl”. I only go to church now because I still live with my parents and am saving money to leave and get my own place.
I became sexually mature from a young age (about 4-5?), masturbation was normal for me. I didn’t know it by that name just that it felt good. When I was about 9 my dad became bishop. Around that same time I discovered the world of porn. I was caught by my mom around 12 y/o and then told my father. I lied for the length of time that I had been seeing porn ( never really confessed to getting myself off) and then was threatened to having the history of exactly what I had been looking at brought up to public. That never happened.
Though I did get several talks about how I brought shame to the family.
Then the temple field trip day came. I was required to go to a meeting with the bishop (my father) and went through questions. Some seemed normal; then came the masturbation. My porn habits came up, was I celibate, did I masturbate, how often, are you sure you didn’t, how, and why.
I only thought this was because I was his daughter and didn’t want his councilors to find out; didn’t want his secretly disobeying daughter to get out and “shame the family”.
Walking out of that interview I felt numb. I didn’t think that that was a regular question, just one for me. But looking back at it, it flowed too smoothly off the tongue. He told me, that as a bishop he could tell when people where lying to him. I privately thought ‘fuck you bastard’ and was dismissed. But since that day for years I looked over my shoulder. Thinking if I’m good every thing will be fine. I grew even more angry (rather impressive really) and kept to myself for safety. After all, if I don’t trust I can’t be hurt.
I have always been rather apathetic, and i can’t really blame the Mormons because going to church helped me fake it. Being in a home that acted like it had never happened, in a area where there were Mormon who had the same mindset did not help /my/ mindset. My mental health.
To this day I remember what happened in that interview. How it affected me after. How I have never really trusted any moron(m) in a position of authority. If that happened once it could happen again. And going by the other stories on this website, it definitely has.