I tend to be verbose, so excuse me if this is long.
I was first asked if I masturbated when I was 14, I believe. At the time I’d only heard of it in regards to boys and thought it was only sinful because of “seed being spilled.” (I had that impression because of the story in Genesis, and was shocked to later realize that the guy hadn’t masturbated, and what he had done was wrong only because of the Leverite law. Go figure.) Anyway, not understanding what masturbation was for girls, I said no, although had I understood the question the answer would have been yes. I felt quite confused and a bit uncomfortable after the interview.
This question became a norm in worthiness interviews, however, and eventually I figured out what it meant. I continued to say no, though, because I couldn’t understand how or why it was a sin. It was also extremely uncomfortable having an adult man ask me that, and I hardly wanted to have to discuss it further with him if I told him yes! I did often feel bad and like I should stop, and often tried. I was never addicted to it, but hormones etc are hard to argue with.
I reached sixteen without ever having been kissed, by choice. That changed a few months before I turned seventeen. My boyfriend kissed me. I was allowed, it was innocent. But then he started pushing for more. I didn’t know it at the time—you rarely do at first—but he was a narcissist. He slowly became more manipulative and emotionally abusive. I also began struggling with seasonal depression for the first time in my life at this point, and he used it to his advantage. We took one step after another.
Eventually we had sex, but not with my consent the first time. In fact, I explicitly said no, I wasn’t ready yet. But between his manipulation and my own denial, it took awhile before I admitted to myself we’d had sex, at which point I consented to more. It wasn’t until months after I was no longer with him that I realized I’d been raped.
This boyfriend decided to go on a mission, and lied through his interviews. But at the MTC he confessed and was sent home. My bishop was alerted, and the “repentance process” began. I was asked for details, including how many times and what other sexual acts we did. My bishop asked me to read the Miracle of Forgiveness and denied me the sacrament. At the time I threw myself into the process and believed in it all and eventually became “worthy” again. Now I think the book would be better titled “it’s a miracle of you can ever be forgiven.”
Eventually I met the man I would end up marrying. He wasn’t a member at the time, but agreed to investigate the church. He was baptized a few months later.
The way he was treating me compared to the other boyfriend is what made me realize I’d been raped. He went with me to tell my bishop. The bishop thankfully didn’t shame me or anything, but he didn’t suggest legal recourse or professional counseling as I feel clergy should always do in such situations. As far as I know, my ex boyfriend received no discipline based on my report. He later served a full mission.
My boyfriend and I engaged. We were planning a temple wedding for a year after his baptism. We did end up having sex, and discussed whether to try to repent before the wedding and still marry in the temple, or have a civil ceremony and be sealed later.
But then my fiancé started learning some of the doctrines that aren’t taught to converts at first. He decided he couldn’t be Mormon. Long story short, I investigated for myself, and left after finding out about Joseph Smith’s false prophesies.
I was told later that rumors were circulated that I left because I was in sexual sin. People who had no clue were saying it.
It’s been about nine years since then, and I still find myself processing and healing from the mindsets and views I was taught, and I know I didn’t even have it as bad as many. The objectification, inappropriate questions, naïveté, etc. that Mormon young women are subjected to is very unhealthy. My husband and I will be raising our sons with a healthier view of sin, sexuality, worthiness, repentance, and personal responsibility than LDS youth are taught.