Writing a list is easier for me than delving into the heart breaking emotions. Here it is:
Sexually assaulted in high school.
Perpetrator goes on mission.
Confesses his crime in MTC
Continues mission with no consequences, writes me telling how he loves attending temple every week.
Named me as victim in his confession.
My bishop calls me in to tell me I need to repent.
When I said I had told this boy NO 3 times, the bishop grew angry that I wasn’t remorseful.
He wrote a letter stating that I was disfellowshipped.
I had to meet with him weekly, and he would encourage me to blame myself, tell me God had not forgiven me and that I wouldn’t feel the spirit until I recognized my fault in it. When that year was over I became obsessive about obedience and self protection from rape, knowing I would be church disciplined if it ever happened again.
Strong fear of that community shame that would come from having to again refuse sacrament, refuse to say prayers when asked.
Served in church, primary president, relief society president. Vigilant about daily prayer, scripture study, extra church assignments.
Suffered a mental breakdown in my mid 30s and received intensive psychiatry and psychotherapy with diagnoses of OCD scrupulosity and PTSD.
Continue to be medicated. Have panic attacks in Mormon church buildings.