I figured out how to have an orgasm when I was 8, after I was baptized. I told my mom about what I discovered and she pulled out a manual that explained it was a sin and that I needed to obstain from that and control my impulses. Just the name masturbation seemed so abhorrent to me. I can’t tell you how many times I wished I could be re-baptized and be granted a fresh start. I didn’t understand how Satan could have come into my life after I was baptized, it didn’t seem fair.
My whole growing up life was marked with bouts of extreme guilt. It would take about 5 days for me to feel forgiven after an incident. It was like a little rain cloud followed me around constantly until I was forgiven. Why would it take so many days for heavenly father to forgive me? Even the incidents where I was asleep when it happened would torture me. I would confide in my mom sometimes and she once even had my dad give me a blessing to help me. It was humiliating.
I grew up and got married as a virgin. I was shocked to find out that sex did not bring about an orgasm for me. I felt cursed. Because I was not being fulfilled and because I didn’t want to bother my husband I would masturbate after he fell asleep. The guilt from that started giving me heart palpitations. I went to the doctor for my heart and he ran all types of tests. He said my heart was fine and he suggested that my problem could be emotional. I knew right away it was the heavy guilt weighing on me. So I confessed to my husband what I was doing. It relieved my guilt and my heart went back to normal. I think it’s a crying shame I was burdened with so much guilt for being normal. I can’t quite imagine how this could be compounded if my Bishop interviews took a wrong turn. I think that Mormonism does not foster healthy sexuality and its my hope that shining a light on all of this guilt and shame will help people realize there is a better way.