I began masturabting when I was six years old and somehow already knew that I was “filthy” and “unloved by God”. I didn’t know it was called masturabtion until I was 17 years old, at which point I went and confessed to my bishop whom I loved and adored. I was terrified and although the interview wasn’t invasive and he only told me that I was loved and sent me on my way.
I still hate that he knows and I can’t look him in the eyes still. The next time I confessed was to a different bishop. This one took away my temple recommend and sacrament privileges. I was so humiliated and confused as to why this interview went so differently that I volunteered to work every Sunday so my mother wouldn’t see me not partake of the sacrament. That lasted a year and then I went to college and met my husband.
When we started “going too far” we went and saw our bishop. He wanted to know how often, if my clothes were on, where we were, etc. and again my temple privileges were stripped from me. Although a virgin on my wedding day, I had a wedding outside the temple because I was not sexually pure. And on that day my friends and family came up to me and told me that my “real” wedding would be inside the temple. The years of church sex obsessed indoctrination on my young mind has caused years of self hatred, loneliness, isolation, actual self abuse, ridicule from my hypocritical husband, and a desire to cut my private parts. Even though I have been out of the church for 3 years now, I would still give anything to have my sexual drive destroyed.