I wasn’t shamed for consensual sex. I was shamed and “punished” for being sexually assaulted.
I was an extremely innocent, born in the covenant, true-believing young woman. I had just had my first kiss (more like a peck then an actual kiss) with a nice LDS boy who was my age and in my stake. It was exciting but overall pretty innocent.
At the time, I babysat a lot and never charged parents who needed a babysitter when they were doing service or attending the temple. I was babysitting that night. My parents knew I was sleeping over because I was babysitting pretty late. I woke up when he started touching me in places I had never been touched. At first, I pretended to be asleep but it was difficult the more aggressive and forceful he became. I was barely 15 years old and he was 35 (20 years older than me).
I was so confused. I felt dirty. I wondered if I was being punished for kissing a boy. Did I deserve this? Was this punishment for my “sin”? Soon after this happened, I had my regular recommend interview alone with my bishop. He asked about my worthiness. I confessed and told him about my first kiss with the boy in my stake. He asked if there was more. At first I told him no, but he pushed, saying he knew there was something that I wasn’t telling him. He said I needed to he honest with him. Believing he already knew, I told him about the night I was babysitting. He proceeded to ask me details. Where did he touch me? Did he use his mouth? His hands? How many fingers? Did my body respond? Was I wet? Did my nipples get hard? Was there penetration? Had I done anything to give this Adult a reason to think I wanted him? Why was I silent instead of crying out? Did I secretly want him to continue? Had I touched myself before this happened or since this happened?
Instead of helping me or providing me with resources, he made me feel like I had done something wrong. That I deserved to be punished. He said I shouldn’t take the sacrament for a while and he took away my temple recommend; something I still don’t understand. I was the Mia Maid President at the time and suddenly I couldn’t participate in temple visits with my young woman’s class, my friends, or with my family. I felt both personally and publicly humiliated. I was depressed and felt worthless for a long time.
Being sexually assaulted has obviously impacted my life but the shame, guilt, and trauma this bishop inflicted on me has impacted my life more than I can explain.